On Sat, 2 Nov 1996, BOB NOGUEIRA wrote:
> As long as we are discussing the meaning of spanners ( and make no
> mistake about it, I would much rather read about spanners than cats)
> could some one explain "near side and off side " again. Maybe if I knew
> the origin of the terms I'd remember which is which.
> And why isn't it off side and on side or near side and far side?
>
> Bob Nogueira " Just a little bit off of the Far side"
>
A Short Sunday Afternoon Monologue on "Near Side" and "Off Side"
by W. R. Gibbons, Ph.D.
The origin of these terms is lost in antiquity. Adam referred to the
right hand ox in his team as, "Adam's Off Ox." (Adam was afflicted with a
peculiar disability that caused him to think and speak of himself in the
third person. It drove Eve a little nuts when Adam would say, "Was
good for Adam; was good for you?" But she was a pragmatist, and
couldn't see the percentage in leaving Adam in the hope of finding someone
less annoying. The best known modern-day bearer of this syndrome is plain
old Kansas citizen Bob Dole, who also speaks with approximately the same
english fluency as Adam. Bob Dole claims to be a direct descendent of
Adam; evidently the syndrome is inherited. One day, we can doubtless
expect science to identify the genetic defect, though science will prove
unable to cure it. But I digress.)
Adam referred to his left ox as "Adam's near ox." Nobody knows why.
Nobody cares. Perhaps Adam walked along on the left side of his team; it
doesn't matter. For most of the world, outside of England, the terms left
and right suffice perfectly well. Well, I should say for most of the
english-speaking world outside of england left and right suffice. The
French, for example, use different words, but as the comedian Steve Martin
has observed, "Those French, they have a different word for everything."
Actually, many francophones can speak english, and when they do, they
say left and right. In fact, many francophones speak english better
than Bob Dole, not that that's any big trick, but only when alone with
other francophones. French people will never admit to an anglophone that
they understand a word of english, unless there's a profit in it.
Sometimes, not even then.
Please excuse me; I have a temperature of 102.
Ray Gibbons Dept. of Molecular Physiology & Biophysics
Univ. of Vermont College of Medicine, Burlington, VT
gibbons@northpole.med.uvm.edu (802) 656-8910
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