Here's a bit of fun for you all.
==
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
insulation, tow rope, and more, all in one easy-to-carry package. Sure,
there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but
in the real world -- everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas
rockets -- uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of
more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth - or the all-pervasive
mobile phone.
2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated
soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to
be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays
is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look
at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the
hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when
you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real
mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so
they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of
course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack
wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of
Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosey know-it-all types on the
noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which
a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and
wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up
version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a
hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract
$100 for each zip tie under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:
Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,
particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the
tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break
the screwdriver -- and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said
-- who cares? It's guaranteed!
8. Baling Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds
anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
recommended for concourse contenders. And it works so well, you'll
never replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a
sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and
flathead Ford set.
9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends
is technically known as a tie-rod-end separator, but how often do you
separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than
medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends
in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: (See #1 above.)
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Any recipient of this communication acknowledges that:
* the Government Employees Superannuation Board accepts no responsibility for
the contents nor the validity of this communication; and
* they do not rely on any view given unless it is properly authorised.
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