Great job, Jeff
<dnw>
1972 Midget
1998 Safari
1999 9-3
1964 (Me)
----- Original Message -----
From "Robert Duquette" <RobertDuquette at Sympatico.ca>
To: <Undisclosed.Recipients@autox.team.net>
Sent: Friday, October 26, 2001 9:45 AM
Subject: humour, no lbc - Fwd: WE'LL FIGHT TO THE LAST 50-YEAR-OLD!
> WE'LL FIGHT TO THE LAST 50-YEAR-OLD!
>
> By: Jeff Ackerman
>
> A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today and
help
> my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent
> people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 50 now and the Armed
> Forces says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than
35
> to join the Army. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of
sending
> 18-year-olds off to the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You
shouldn't
> be able to join until you're at least 35-years old.
>
> For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds.
> Old guys think about sex every 15-seconds, leaving us more than 28,000
> additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't
> lived long enough to be cranky and grumpy. A cranky and grumpy soldier is
a
> dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into
> submission or surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the
remote
> control?"
>
> An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you shouldn't go
to
> war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. An average old
> guy, on the other hand, has probably consumed at least 126,000 gallons of
beer
> by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack
on
> and an M-60 over your shoulder would do wonders for a beer belly.
>
> An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early
> just to show we can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.] If old guys
got
> captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we
put
> them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brain teaser.
> If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty much be able to get into the
Army
> without a hitch. According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an
> entrance exam [officially called an ASVAB], but the simple questions I saw
> weren't exactly headache material. For example:
>
> A magnet will attract: (a) water (b) a flower (c) a cloth rag (d) a nail.
I
> took a wild stab at it and guessed, "nail," knowing they'd probably stick
me
> in some desk job with Army Intelligence after Boot Camp.
>
> If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are needed to
run
> 20 machines? (a) 16 (b) 18 (c) 3 (d) 60. Well, let's see now.....three
workers
> per machine times 20 machines....err....60?
>
> Finally, they wanted to know if I had command of the English language,
just in
> case I had to describe an enemy camp from memory. Now you know where the
first
> questions come from for the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" game show.
>
> Boot Camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
> screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. We've also
developed a
> deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than
naps.
> The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to
the
> desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the
side.
> I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. "Get down and give me.....er.....one!"
And
> the running part seems to be a hell of a waste of good energy. I've never
seen
> anyone outrun a bullet.
>
> I'm reminded of the story of the young bull and the old bull standing on a
> hill looking down at the cows. "Let's run down there and make love to one
of
> those cows," says the young bull. "How about we WALK down there and make
love
> to ALL those cows," replies the old bull.
>
> Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good
reason
> too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning
to
> shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To learn that a pierced tongue
> catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a
> Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at
> home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a
possible
> death.
>
> Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards who
attacked
> our country (on Sept 11th ). The last thing they'd want to see right now
would
> be a couple of million old guys with attitudes!
>
> -----Jeff Ackerman is editor and publisher of the Nevada Appeal.-----
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