For Bree, Kate, Nory, Bev, Margaret and the other "Barbies" on our list..my
wife sent me this today.
Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW
Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these
new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with
tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores
with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is
really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered,
along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house,
Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little
copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she
sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and
of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the
Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In
with Your Inner Self" is included.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
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