TO ALL OF YOU WHO'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WINTER WAS LIKE OR ARE BASKING IN
SUNNY CLIMES.
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the land-
scape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
Whole World? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years,
and felt like a boy again. I did
our driveway and the sidewalk. This afternoon the snow plow came along
and covered up the side-
walks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment .My neighbor tells
me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful!
Bob says that we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll
never want to see it again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's
our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" more of it last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling
the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back
this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. But, I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for
the wife's car and 2 extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case
the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt.
Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five
hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit
it to her. God, I hate it when
she's right. I can't believe that I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but we had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More
shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to
find a neighborhood kid
to shovel, but they all said they were too busy playing hockey. I think
they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're
out. They might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel, or the city will have it
done and bill me. I hope he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more
inches of the white shit
fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed
up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss . By the time I got
undressed, pissed and then dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who now has a plow
on his truck, but he says he's
too busy. I think the ass hole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the
front of the house this morning. What is she.....nuts??? Why didn't
she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says that she did, but I think she's damn-well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the damned
shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through
the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling, and
then he comes down the street at a 50 miles an hour and throws that shit
all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
our presents, but I'm too busy,
watching for that goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. Bah! 20 more inches of the *&#$#%@! slop
tonight. We are snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then, the snowplow driver came
by, asking for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting
on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave-in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his
head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9" is predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills that
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to
this bed?
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