The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to
stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among
Left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and
agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to
see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians
crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When
I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that
blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk." Officials are
particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the
Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the
border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When
liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing
loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education
camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes
ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior
citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching
a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The
Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon
movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to
Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And
we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is
determined to reach out."
Cheers!!
Jim - Chuckling in Dodge City
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