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Lucas jokes for a happy New Year

To: fot@Autox.Team.Net
Subject: Lucas jokes for a happy New Year
From: Susan <spitfiresuz@141.com>
Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 07:01:42 -0600
Happy New Year everyone!

 

It has been one of the most busy years of either of our lives, and looks 
like it will continue into the first half of 2005.  But some great 
things are going on!  Our facility is about to start up in the spring to 
dispose of 12% of the nation's original stockpile of chemical weapons -- 
this will make the earth a much safer place for us, our kids and 
grandkids.  A lot of stuff pales in comparison to that.  Our Triumphs 
(and lots of other assorted vehicular conveyances), horse, mule, dog and 
cats are safe and snug at Constellation Ranch here in Arkansas.  Family 
is doing very well, including my soon-to-be 95-year-old grandfather who 
goes on cruises to Alaska and the Caribbean and who went back to college 
two and a half years ago and is taking Shakespeare next semester!  What 
a guy.  And, when things get crazy, a good friend will send along 
something like the below list of Lucas jokes, which even though not 
necessarily new and fresh, always gives a laugh and helps to make things 
look brighter.

 

Thanks to all of you for always being there for us over the years.  We 
have made some very special friends from the FOT, and hope that some of 
you consider us the same.  Wonderful new year wishes to all of you, and 
we hope that 2005 brings you joy and prosperity (and some really good 
rust remover!)!

 

Susan & Brad       :)

 

Lucas Jokes

 

    * The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

    * "And the Lord said 'let there be light'...Joseph Lucas replied 'no 
way, Lord, no way'."

    * Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim 
"sudden, unexpected darkness".

    * Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

    * Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

    * The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other 
three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

    * The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.

    * "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced 
any prob..."

    * If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

    * Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.

    * It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to 
repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much 
resistance.

    * Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover 
and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, 
since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one 
you use, nothing happens!"

    * Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and 
began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they 
offered which didn't suck.

    * Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they 
had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

    * Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.

    * Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison 
invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

    * Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas 
equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk 
three times clockwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of 
Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

    * Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random 
frequency.

    * Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.



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