Here is an oldie but goodie. I'm sure some of the newer
listers will appreciate this guide that translates the
Haynes manuals. - Kent
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with
hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before
you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the
inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some
good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins
on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because
this can not be lightly what you are doing now.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage
to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because
two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought the
wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact
that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you,
you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on,
swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark
corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly
under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what
you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to
your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone
you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs
removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be
much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has
subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly
refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable
drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you
want to do!
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