Frank
This is especially for you....
>
> > Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
> >
> > Rule One:
> > If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
> > delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
> > anything up.
> >
> > Rule Two:
> > You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
> > glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
> > below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
> > off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
> >
> > Rule Three:
> > I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
> > of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they
> > appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take
> > this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
> > complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
> > minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
> > You may come to the door with your underwear showing
> > and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
> > object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes
> > do not, in fact, come off during the course of your
> > date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun
> > and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
> > waist.
> >
> > Rule Four:
> > I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
> > without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can
> > kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am
> > the barrier, and I will kill you.
> >
> > Rule Five:
> > In order for us to get to know each other, we should
> > talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
> > day. Please do not do this. The only information I
> > require from you is an indication of when you expect to
> > have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
> > word I need from you on this subject is "early."
> >
> > Rule Six:
> > I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
> > opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me
> > as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once
> > you have gone out with my little girl, you will
> > continue to date no one but her until she is finished
> > with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
> >
> > Rule Seven:
> > As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
> > daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
> > not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
> > movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
> > on her makeup, a process that can take longer than
> > painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
> > standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
> > changing the oil in my car?
> >
> > Rule Eight:
> > The following places are not appropriate for a date
> > with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
> > or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
> > there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
> > eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where
> > there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
> > where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce
> > my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
> > or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
> > a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with
> > a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
> > movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games
> > are okay. Old folks homes are better.
> >
> > Rule Nine:
> > Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
> > balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues
> > relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
> > merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
> > are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me
> > the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I
> > have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
> > house. Do not trifle with me.
> >
> > Rule Ten:
> > Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me
> > to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
> > chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi.
> > When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
> > head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
> > you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into
> > the driveway you should exit your car with both hands
> > in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
> > in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
> > safely and early, then return to your car- there is no
> > need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at
> > the window is mine.
> >
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