WE'LL FIGHT TO THE LAST 50-YEAR-OLD!
By: Jeff Ackerman
A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today and help
my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent
people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 50 now and the Armed
Forces says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35
to join the Army. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending
18-year-olds off to the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't
be able to join until you're at least 35-years old.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys think about sex every 15-seconds, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't
lived long enough to be cranky and grumpy. A cranky and grumpy soldier is a
dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into
submission or surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote
control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you shouldn't go to
war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. An average old
guy, on the other hand, has probably consumed at least 126,000 gallons of beer
by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack on
and an M-60 over your shoulder would do wonders for a beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early
just to show we can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.] If old guys got
captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brain teaser.
If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty much be able to get into the Army
without a hitch. According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an
entrance exam [officially called an ASVAB], but the simple questions I saw
weren't exactly headache material. For example:
A magnet will attract: (a) water (b) a flower (c) a cloth rag (d) a nail. I
took a wild stab at it and guessed, "nail," knowing they'd probably stick me
in some desk job with Army Intelligence after Boot Camp.
If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are needed to run
20 machines? (a) 16 (b) 18 (c) 3 (d) 60. Well, let's see now.....three workers
per machine times 20 machines....err....60?
Finally, they wanted to know if I had command of the English language, just in
case I had to describe an enemy camp from memory. Now you know where the first
questions come from for the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" game show.
Boot Camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a
deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to the
desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side.
I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. "Get down and give me.....er.....one!" And
the running part seems to be a hell of a waste of good energy. I've never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.
I'm reminded of the story of the young bull and the old bull standing on a
hill looking down at the cows. "Let's run down there and make love to one of
those cows," says the young bull. "How about we WALK down there and make love
to ALL those cows," replies the old bull.
Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good reason
too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To learn that a pierced tongue
catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a
Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at
home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible
death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards who attacked
our country (on Sept 11th ). The last thing they'd want to see right now would
be a couple of million old guys with attitudes!
-----Jeff Ackerman is editor and publisher of the Nevada Appeal.-----
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