Subject: the real use of tools
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on boxes containing
seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel
Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age,
but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in
mudguards just above the brake line that goes to the
rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
MOLE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum
you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly
for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to
say, "Ouc...."
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off
in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known
drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for
illuminating grease buildup.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for
transferring sulphuric acid from a battery to the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on
your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to
round out Phillips screw recesses.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Coventry,
and rounds them off.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
short.
David R. Hammond
63 TR4 CT 17780L
68 TR250 CD 185L
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