Enjoy.
Mike
Men and tools:
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get
the bearing race out of.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Fuc...."
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps
and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery
to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short
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