This highly scientific treatise comes to me from a degree'd electrical
engineer who drives an Alfa (old enuf to have some Lucas bits!)
art de armond
-----Original Message-----
From: Karl Hoech <kfhoech@rockwellcollins.com>
To: DeArmond, Art <riverside@cedar-rapids.net>
Date: Monday, February 02, 2004 6:23 AM
Subject: Fw: "Tuning For Maximum Smoke"
>
>----- Original Message -----
>Subject: FW: "Tuning For Maximum Smoke"
>
>
>>
>> :^)
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> Subject: FW: "Tuning For Maximum Smoke"
>>
>>
>> "A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke" by Joseph Lucas
>>
>> All electrical components and wiring harnesses depend on proper circuit
>> functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of
the
>> visible
>> spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes
>> electrical circuits work. Don't be fooled by scientists and engineers
>> talking about
>> excited electrons and the like. Smoke is the key to all things
>electrical.
>>
>> We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an
>> electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly
>> through
>> empirical testing. For example, if one places a large copper bar across
>the
>> terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and
>the
>> battery
>> shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping
>from
>> an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will
>> also be observed that the component no longer functions.
>>
>> The logic is elementary and inescapable! The function of the wiring
>harness
>> is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring
>harness
>> springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works
>right
>> afterward.
>>
>> Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for
some
>> time largely because they regularly released large quantities of smoke
>from
>> the electrical system.
>>
>> It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more
>> prone
>> to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American
counterparts.
>> Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things
>> British
>> leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks,
>> and
>> disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British
>> Intelligence
>> leaks national defense secrets.
>>
>> Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke.
>Once
>> again, the logic is clear and inescapable.
>>
>> Sometimes you may miss the component releasing the smoke that makes your
>> electrical system function correctly, but if you sniff around you can
>often
>> find
>> the faulty component by the undeniable and telltale smoke smell.
>Sometimes
>> this is a better indicator than
>> standard electrical tests performed with a volt-ohm meter.
>>
>> In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in
>the
>> form of smoke provides a clear and logical explanation of the mysteries
of
>> electrical components and why they fail.
>>
>> "A gentleman does not motor about after dark."
>> - Joeseph Lucas, 1842 - 1903
>> .
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