Joke: New Employee Handbook
----- Original Message -----
From: Wally Schellhase
To: Barbara Lejeune
Sent: Saturday, January 22, 2005 9:36 AM
Subject: New Employee Handbook
New 2005 California State Employee Handbook
by Arnold Schwarzenegger
SICK DAYS -- Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.
PERSONAL DAYS -- Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year. Dey are
called Saturday and Sunday. LUNCH BREAK -- Skinny people get 30 minutes for
lunch as they need to eat more so dey can look healthy. Normal size people
get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed
to drink der Shlim Fast.
DRESS CODE--It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your
salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci
Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
dat you may buy nicer clothes and derefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not
need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE -- Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you
can do for dead friends, relatives or co-verkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare case vere employee
involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled late in da afternoon.
Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently
leave vone hour early.
RESTROOM USE--Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom. Dere is
now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree
minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall
door will open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your
picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic
Offenders" category. Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are
here to provide a positive employee experience.
Tank you,
DER GOVERNATOR
************************ Confidentiality Statement ************************
The information contained in this email communication and all attachments
hereto are intended to be confidential, privileged and are for the sole use
of the intended recipient. Any retention, dissemination or distribution of
this communication and any attachments is strictly prohibited. If you have
received this email in error, please notify the sender and delete this
communication and all attachments.
|