Subject: Changing Oil
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last
2. Drink a cup of coffee and read the newspaper.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
1. Go to the auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree air
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
back to the auto store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for the jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get mildly burned and get hot
oil all over everything.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. DAMN!, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy more beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil
to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11?
25. Look for drain plug in pan of dirty oil.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the quart of fresh oil
completely drains onto the garage floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin swearing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Swear for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December(1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh
oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another