> WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
> >
> >Subject: Pants story
> > ----------------------------------
> >regardless of whether you went to ithaca or not you should find this
> >story very amusing if you get over its initial grossness.
> >
> >
> >Bill Gale was here on Saturday night, and he told us the funniest
story I
> >have ever heard in my life, about one of his friends (and it's true).
(It
> >doesn't matter if you don't know Bill Gale; this is still a great
story.
>
>
>***********************************************************************
> >This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca
College.
> >For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
> >Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had
the
> >courage.
> >Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up
the
> >courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for
> >Saturday night.
> >
> >Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks
like
> >Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he
> >can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or
shitting.
> >After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is
still
> >running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to
cancel
> >the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So
they
> meet
> >in
> >Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute
ride).
> >They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the
appetizers to
> >use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
> >interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They
decide
> >to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but
> >doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.
After
> >a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas
stored
> >up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the
table
> >(discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came
with
> >another little surprise. "Oh shit," he thinks (and feels). Instead
of
> >running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the
arms
> >of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this
yoga
> >position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do
> >before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains
on the
> >outside.
> >
> >He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the
way,
> >he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they
> >pass the Gap.
> >
> >"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last
> >week?" he asks.
> >
> >"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
> >
> >They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on
the
> >right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero
> >grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
> After
> >selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he
brings
> >both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the
other
> >side of the
> >store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He
doesn't
> >even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case
his
> >date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."
> >"What?" asks the Gap girl.
> >
> >"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
> >
> >Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
> >
> >He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the
> >store.
> >
> >They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two
> >seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses
> >himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to
the
> >bathroom as
> >the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts.
He
> >rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning
> >himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
> >
> >****PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS
> >SITUATION.****
> >
> >As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as
> >pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls
the
> >rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself
> >covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether.
> >
> >Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat
and
> >explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire
incident,
> >our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next
station.
> >He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the
station,
> >then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy
with
> >sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and
stranded
> >somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
> >
> >He hasn't seen the girl since.
>
>
> ---End of forwarded mail from "HIPSCHEN, AMY"
<HIPSCHEA@hoffman-cfsc.army.mil>
>-- End of excerpt from Judy Busby
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