Love it and so true.
Mike Carter
On Sun, 7 Dec 1997, Philip Raby wrote:
> I don't want to start another off-topic thread, but thought this was too
> good not to share. Someone out there must have done an equivilent about
> the British?
>
>
>
> THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT AMERICAN FILMS
>
> During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
> club at least once.
>
> All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
>
> All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
> level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
>
> The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No
> one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
> any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
>
> Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
> necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
>
> A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
> will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
>
> Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
> you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
>
> If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
> noises in their most revealing underwear.
>
> Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
>
> Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
> bullets.
>
> If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be
> cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
> your mouth shut.
>
> Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
>
> A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
>
> All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
> readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
>
> When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
>
> When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
> wisecracks are your best weapons.
>
> One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
> men
> firing at 1 man.
>
> Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
> closely.
>
> If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
> bullets
> are unable to penetrate water.
>
> Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
> Systems of any invading alien civilisation.
>
> Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
> international terrorist organisations - even though the job will require
> them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as
> the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
>
> Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any
> of
> Their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
>
> All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
>
> Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
> they are
> deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
>
> When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
> other.
>
> Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
> despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
>
> You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
>
> Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
> unless
> it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
>
> You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow
> tie.
>
> When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
> person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
>
> An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
> lasting damage to an eight year old child.
>
> Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth
> birthday.
>
> Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
> days before their retirement.
>
> If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in
> Nuclear Fission at age 22.
>
> The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will
> fall
> In love.
>
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