Don't forget vice-grips can also be used in lieu of a steering wheel!
---"R. Toby Atwater" <tob@taltec.net> wrote:
>
> I don't know where this came from, but seems appropriate for the
spridget list.
> THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
> By J. William Lam, Stockton, CA
>
> Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
> Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
> car, any place, any time.
>
> 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
stickum
> and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
> upholstery, insulation, towrope, and more in one easy-to-carry
package.
> Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse
> competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning
> Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that
> can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
>
> 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
> twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
> tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only
tool
> designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
>
> 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
> alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm,
repeated
> soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora
to
> be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these
> sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle
if
> you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
>
> 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under
the
> hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when
> you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter.
Real
> mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so
> they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of
> course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack
> wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine
tubs
> aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of
> Lost Frendle Pins.
>
> 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
> battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on
the
> noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
> banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with
which
> a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
>
> 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses
and
> wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up
> version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a
> hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
> Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
> harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars,
> subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.
>
> 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:
> Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling,
lifting,
> breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed
screwdriver,
> particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also
the
> tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
> removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you
break
> the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher
said
> - who cares? It's guaranteed.
>
> 8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire
> holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's
> not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well
you'll
> never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a
> sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
> and flathead Ford set.
>
> 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
> ends is technically known as a tie-rod-end separator, but how often
> do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other
> than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of
> undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.
Nature
> doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can
stand
> up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod
ends
> in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
>
> 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: (See #1 above.)
>
>
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