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Robert,
Go with the vasectomy; didn't hurt a bit! The next few days... well....
And, it could have been worse; Tawny could have graduated Summa Cum
Laude. Then you really would have felt like a twit!!!
Herb
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Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 16:55:10 -0500
From Brad Fornal <toyman at digitex.net>
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: Nothing like healthy excercise!]
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From "Robert Duquette" <RobertDuquette at Sympatico.ca>
To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
Subject: Fw: Nothing like healthy excercise!
Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 11:58:09 -0400
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---
For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of private
lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in what I
considered "decent" shape since playing on my high school hockey team 35
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Tawny, who Identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. I decided not to
tell her about Tawny.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me.
(She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling
white smile. WOO HOO!!!) Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her
aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door.
Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets
this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?).
Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other crap too.
Thursday:
Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help
being a half-hour late. It took that long for me to tie my shoes.)
Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine...which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that WITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic, little
cheerleader wanna-be WITCH). If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me &#*! barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Witch.) The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to
use the TV remote and ended up watching 11 straight hours of the weather
channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
(The WITCH) will choose a gift for me that is fun . . . like a root canal or
a vasectomy.
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