"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million,
he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their
'excessive' lifestyle."
-- David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't
solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
-- Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin
Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be
exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since
expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and
gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war
against capitalism."
-- Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a
video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge
of immigration."
-- Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three
words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll
get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters.
Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic."
-- Conan O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look
forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great
because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll
continue living."
-- Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number
three."
-- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this
town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to
manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is
standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the
poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty
from noon until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this
promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
-- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages
that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news
for the rap industry."
-- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan, anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken
restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were
attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a
direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is
being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put
our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
-- Jay Leno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk
with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word
Jihad."
-- Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and
saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his
name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-- Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's
electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should
transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits,
screw up his statement, and nickel and dime him to death with service
charges."
-- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but
let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't
Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno
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