Friends:
If you are a Democrat you'll love this -- if you are a Republican, remember
it is vital to know the enemy. If you are undecided, come on now -- it's
time to join the fray!
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.
2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but
crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of
illness.
4. "Standing Tall for America" means laying-off workers and moving their
jobs to India.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind.
6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.
7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for
governor of California as a Republican.
9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.
11. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at
heart.
12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health
care to all Americans is socialism.
13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a
bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands
die is solid defense policy.
16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which includes censorship.
17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right
to adopt.
19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
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