I've seen this before...but worth re-reading... (WST)
(Editor's Note: In case you missed it, the following article appeared in
major newspapers throughout the U.S.)
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
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Editor Comments: Okay, here's the top ten things that scared me the
most in reading this bizarre story.
10.) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9.) "So I peered into the tube . . ." I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
stare at the sun.
8.) That poor gerbil being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the
Flying Squirrel. And where the hell is the S.P.C.A. when they are
needed?
7.) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil
was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's anus.
6.) Are there many people walking around like this with pent up
volcanic pockets of gas in their rectums?
5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends
breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before
I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine
looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have
this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4.) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does
one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.
3.) People named "Kiki" -- which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2.) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1.) You'd expect something like this in Los Angeles or San Francisco,
but no! This happened in Salt Lake City! What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
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