>> Dear Santa,
>>
>> Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
>> perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and
>> dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya,'
>> Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around
>> here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you
>> don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas
1999:
>>
>> 1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
>> hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to
>> have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
>>
>> 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
>> underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
>>
>> 3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him,
>> bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump
>> of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
>>
>> 4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms
>> that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he
>> is anatomically correct.
>>
>> 5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nub said.
>>
>> 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
>>
>> 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher make real money.
>>
>> 8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of
>> cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
>>
>> 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
>> complexion.
>>
>> 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a
>> piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and
>> Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you
>> can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
>>
>> As ever,
>>
>> Barbie
>>
>
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