The Gentleman's Field Guide
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
e. When your Date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been
severed in a freak threshing accident.
6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: You'd
rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns.
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late
is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
(In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.)
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal
pals' significant dickheads--- low level sports bonding is all the law
requires (it's called a double standard because it's twice as true).
13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear
in public wearing more than one swoosh.
14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.
15. You may fluctuate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel..and it's included in the price of the hotel.
17. Only in situations of moral and/or ass peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.
18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
21. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.
22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
threw it into a ceiling fan.
23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain wrong.
25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?
28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
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