It's Saturday night. It was 57 degrees this morning and it's 22 now. The
snow is blowing sideways and the wind is gusting to about 50 mph. This must
be March in Michigan! So...some tidbits to pass on:
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children". Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." Drew Carey
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and
just give her a house." Lewis Grizzard
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base." Dave Barry
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn
Pittman
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim." Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." Conan
O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda
Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said,'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west." Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead." Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul
Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's
the law." Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar
Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But
I repeat myself." Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Afghanistan." A. Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" Dave
Barry
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
Unknown
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