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Re: Precision Tools List

To: tigers@autox.team.net
Subject: Re: Precision Tools List
From: STUART_BRENNAN@HP-Andover-om3.om.hp.com
Date: Fri, 24 May 96 06:32:44 -0600
     
Wasn't this Peter Egan's column in R&T a  month or two back?  I think that was a
Mustang he was lowering off the jack, rather than a Tiger.

______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________
Subject: Precision Tools List
Author:  Non-HP-owner-tigers (owner-tigers@triumph.cs.utah.edu) at 
HP-ColSprings,uugw3
Date:    5/23/96 3:59 PM


     
Hi All,
Just couldn't pass up the opportunity to pass this along. If you can't 
relate to at least one of these special tools,....You haven't lived yet.
     
Cullen in Tempe B9472658 B395002751
***********************************
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used 
as
a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object 
we are trying to hit.
     
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard 
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes 
containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
     
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their 
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar 
mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that 
goes to the rear axle.
     
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
     
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the 
more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
     
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, 
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your 
hand.
     
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage 
cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What 
wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy 
lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
     
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
     
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and 
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems 
from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
     
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat 
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and 
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones 
poster (or pinup bush) over the bench grinder.
     
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere 
under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint 
whorls
and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, 
"Django Reinhardt".
     
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Tiger to the ground after you have 
installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack 
handle firmly under the front air dam.
     
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a 
hydraulic jack.
     
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel brissels.
     
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another 
hydraulic
floor jack.
     
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for 
spreading mayonnaise; used alternately for getting dog-doo off your boot.
     
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 
ten times harder than any known drill bit.
     
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on 
crankshaft pulleys.
     
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile 
strength
of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to 
disconnect.
     
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that 
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without 
the
handle.
     
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from 
a
car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your 
battery
is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
     
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
     
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes called a drop 
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is 
not
otherwise found under cars at night.  Health benefits aside, its main 
purpose
is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm 
howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the 
Bulge.  More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
     
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style 
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as 
the
name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
     
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning 
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that 
travels
by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension 
bolts
last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds 
them off.
***********************************************

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