VERY IMPORTANT!! READ FIRST!! This is a fictitious story. The events
listed below did not really happen. Santa is resting peaceully at the North
Pole and will be comming to see "most" of you (you know who you are) next
year.
ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus
by David Bibb
CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for
violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge
stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating
children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast
database. The information is then used by the law
enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are
considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr.
Clause has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit,
because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been
engaging in mind control experiments designed to
prevent the free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads,
in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of workers in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus'
organization, "...clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of
children to free expression and free thought. In
addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What
would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were investigating the
possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a
vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice
Department stated that, "We believe a large
number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we
expect several of them will testify for the
State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition, the same sources
indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and
the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our
records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else
paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr.
Claus has representatives in all of the States of
the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of
the goods he delivers."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus
is a well known and highly respected figure.
His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect
can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind
control" or a violation of the civil rights of children."
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of
the United States or any country which the United
States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is
at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out
at his north pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the charges
of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be
rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice
Department will discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending
charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels
this year.
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