Passing this over from the Lotus Cars List. Good for a chuckle
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used
> as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from
> the
> object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
>
> containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
> their
> holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
> rollbar
> mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line
> that
> goes to the rear axle.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion,
> and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
>
> future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
> your
> hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
> garage
> cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer
> (What
> wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember
> to buy
> lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort
> Campbell.
>
> ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems
> from
> the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
> and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling
> Stones
> poster over the bench grinder.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and
> hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "Django
> Reinhardt".
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after
> you
> have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs,
> trapping the
> jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
>
> hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
> hydraulic floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is
> ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
> buildup on
> crankshaft pulleys.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have
> forgotten
> to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> without
> the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
> acid
> from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
> your
> battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
> drop
> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which
> is
> not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
> main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
> 105-mm
> howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle
> of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
> as
> the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
> Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
>
Atwell Haines
'79 Spitfire FM96062
'88 Lotus Esprit
'88 Mustang 5.0
Succasunna (no joke), NJ USA
CarBuff@scooter.net
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