I don't normally post non LBC items but here's a mail list that might put
a little humor into the day.
ListManager@laughaday.com wrote:
>
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> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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> Here are just a few samples of the type of jokes you can expect
> to receive from us. Our humor is cleaned, we remove all foul
> language. Some may contain adult themes but are tactfully done.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> One of may favorites.
>
> In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
> confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to
> shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran
> as fast as he could.
>
> The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge
> of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
>
> Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing
> in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
> arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some
> 'religion'!"
>
> The sky darkened and there were lightning in the air. Just a
> few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop,
> and glanced around, somewhat confused.
>
> Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
>
> "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> To see more of what it's all about you can visit our web site for
> today's laugh at:
> http://www.LAUGHaDAY.com
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> POOPIE
>
> GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but
> there is no poopie in the toilet.
>
> CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
> toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.
>
> WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it
> still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between
> your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
>
> SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and
> you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that
> you have to poopie some more.
>
> POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOPIE: The kind where you strain so
> much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
>
> LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're
> afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces
> with the toilet brush.
>
> GASSEY POOPIE: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
>
> DRINKER POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a
> night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks
> on the bottom of the toilet.
>
> CORN POOPIE: (Self-explanatory)
>
> GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE-POOPIE: The kind where you want to
> poopie, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.
>
> SPINAL TAP POOPIE: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd
> swear it was leaving you sideways.
>
> WET CHEEKS POOPIE: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of
> your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
>
> LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out
> of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
>
> MEXICAN POOPIE: It smells so badly your nose burns.
>
> UPPER CLASS POOPIE: The kind of poopie that has no odor.
>
> THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You are not at the toilet because you think
> you are about to fart but...oops...a POOPIE!!!
>
> THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet
> even though you know you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray
> that a shake or two will cut it loose.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up
> your things. I just won the lottery!"
>
> Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
>
> The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
> house by noon!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
>
> There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
>
> If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
> roller blades, they can ignite.
>
> A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
> restaurant.
>
> If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
> enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and
> a superman cape.
>
> It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of
> a 20 by 20 foot room.
>
> Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
>
> You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
>
> When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball
> up a few times before you get a hit.
>
> A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
>
> The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball
> hit by a ceiling fan.
>
> When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already
> too late.
>
> Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
>
> A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
> year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
>
> A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
>
> If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes
> it does not leak -- it explodes.
>
> A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square
> foot house 4 inches deep.
>
> Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
>
> Duplos will not.
>
> Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
>
> Super glue is forever.
>
> McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
>
> Ditto Tarzan.
>
> No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
> can't walk on water.
>
> Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
>
> VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
> show they do.
>
> Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
>
> Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
>
> You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
>
> Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
>
> Plastic toys do not like ovens.
>
> The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute
> response time.
>
> The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
> worms dizzy.
>
> It will however make cats dizzy.
>
> Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
>
> Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
>
> A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
> (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I hope you've enjoyed out sample of humor. If you would like
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>
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