Subject: [Healeys] Lucas Humor, Part II

From: "Len and/or Marge Hartnett" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 2013 21:16:36 -0700

The following was printed in Chatter in May of 1993:

The Theory of Electricity (Part II) according to Lucas.

As a result of marginal expenditure, researchers are pleased to announce 
proof that electric bulbs do not emit light.  Instead it has been proven 
that these bulbs suck dark.  This 'dark sucker' theory proves:  the 
existence of dark; that dark has a mass heavier than light; that dark is 
much faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.  Look 
at the headlights of a Healey.  There is less dark close to them than there 
is elsewhere.  The larger the dark sucker, the greater capacity it has to 
suck dark - hence Lucas 'flamethrowers' are bigger suckers than the 
headlights.  As with all things however, dark suckers don't last forever. 
Once they are full of dark, they no longer suck.  This is easily proven by 
the dark spot inside the glass of a full dark sucker.  To illustrate using a 
simple example, a candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a 
white wick, but after the first use the wick turns black, indicating that 
dark has been sucked into it.  If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an 
operating candle, the tip of the pencil turns black because it gets in the 
way of the dark flowing into the candle.

Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this action 
generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch a dark sucker that is 
operating.  Candles present a special problem,., as the dark must travel 
through a solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great 
amount of heat and therefore shouldn't be touched - at least not twice!

Dark is heavier than light.  to illustrate - if you swim deeper and deeper 
in lake, it gets darker and darker.  Approximately 50 feet down, one is in 
complete darkness.  This is because dark sinks to the bottom and the lighter 
light floats to the top.

Finally, it has been proven that dark is faster than light.  When you switch 
on a Healey's headlights, you will see the light move out ahead of the car, 
but since dark is so fast, you will not be able to see the dark sucked into 
the bulbs.

In conclusion, dark suckers make our lives much easier.  So the next time 
you look at a Lucas electric bulb, remember that it is indeed a dark sucker. 
(Stolen from some drunken engineering students, who found a transcript 
written by Dr. Owa Tafuliam and Dr. Oya Wiebad-Wiebad, who stole the 
research from Bell Labs, who don't remember where the heck they got it.)

(The Other) Len
Vacaville, CA, USA
1967 AH 3000 MkIII, HBJ8L39031 
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