[DMVR] Tools

[Sam & Greg Scharnberg]

A list of tools you may want for Christmas.  :-)

Take care.

Greg

>Hammer
>Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays  is used as a
>kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome and painted scooter  parts 
>not
>far from the object we are trying to hit.
>Mechanic's Knife
>Used to open and slice through the contents of  cardboard cartons delivered
>to your front door; works particularly well on boxes  containing leathers or
>bike covers.
>Electric Hand Drill
>Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in  their holes until you die of
>old age, but it also works great for drilling roll  bar mounting holes in the
>floor of a sports car just above the brake line that  goes to the rear axle.
>Vice-Grips
>Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is  available, they can also be
>used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of  your hand.
>Oxy-Acetylene torch
>Used almost entirely for lighting those stale  garage cigarettes you keep
>hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer  (What wife would think 
>to look
>in there?) because you can never remember to buy  lighter fluid for the Zippo
>lighter you got from the PX at Fort  Campbell.
>Whitworth Sockets
>Once used for working on older British cars and  motorcycles, they are now
>used mainly for hiding six-month old cigarettes from  the sort of person who
>would throw them away for no good reason.
>Drill Press
>A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching  flat metal bar stock
>out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and  flings your Coke
>across the room, splattering it against the Ducati poster over  the bench 
>grinder.
>Wire Wheel
>Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them  somewhere under the workbench
>with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints  and hard-earned guitar
>callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "What  the . . .!"
>Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform
>Ingeniously-designed tool for  flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when
>you're alone in the  shop.
>Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4
>Used for levering a bike upright  after using a hydraulic jack on the bike
>(see above).
>Tweezers
>A tool for removing wood splinters (see  above).
>Phone
>Tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has  another hydraulic
>floor jack (see above).
>"Snap-On" Gasket Scraper
>Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool  for spreading mayonnaise; used
>mainly for getting dog-doo off your  boot.
>E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor
>A tool that snaps off in bolt  holes and is ten times harder than any known
>drill bit.
>Timing Light
>A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease  buildup on crankshaft
>pulleys.
>Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist
>A handy tool for testing the  tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic
>clutch lines you may have  forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting
>a Gold Wing off the  floor.
>Craftsman 1/2 x 16-Inch Screwdriver
>A large motor mount prying  tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
>screwdriver tip on the end  without the handle.
>Battery Electrolyte Tester
>A handy tool for transferring sulfuric  acid from scooter battery to the
>inside of your toolbox after determining that  your battery is dead as a 
>doornail,
>just as you thought.
>Hacksaw
>One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board  principle. It
>transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and  the 
>more you
>attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future  becomes.
>Trouble Light
>The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a  drop light, it is a
>good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is  not otherwise 
>found
>in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose  is to consume
>40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer  shells 
>might be
>used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the  Bulge. More often
>dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>Phillips Screwdriver
>Normally used to stab the lids of old-style  paper-and-tin oil cans and
>splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the  name implies, to round 
>off
>Phillips screw heads.
>Crescent Wrench
>This handy tool is also known as a variable,  metric and SAE nut and bolt
>stripper. Although it's origins go back hundreds of  years the Crescent 
>Wrench
>has retained itbs ability to loosen up in use, causing  a beautiful 
>rounding of
>the nut in question as well as associated bloody  knuckles. With the large
>flat head they work well as a replacement for a  hammer.
>Air Compressor
>A machine that takes energy produced in a  coal-burning power plant 200 miles
>away and transforms it into compressed air  that travels by hose to a Chicago
>Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty  suspension bolts last tightened 40
>years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin,  and rounds them off.