[Shotimes] (OT) hurricane preparedness

[Ron Porter]

Just something from another list that has folks who live on the east coast
of Florida. Tongue-in-cheek, but still, this could be a serious situation
over the weekend. Looks like Richmond VA got nailed yesterday from a storm
that wasn't supposed to be too bad (per the earlier news reports).

Ron Porter

++++++++++

I hope the following cross-post from some unidentified autocross list (I got
it off of a risk management list - how appropriate) is not inappropriate
considering the seriousness of hurricanes:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, 
you're going to turn on the television and see a weather person pointing to 
some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic 
meteorological points. 

(1) There is no need to panic. 
(2) We could all be killed. 

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're 
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to 
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." 
Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you 
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: 

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at 
least three days. 

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car. 
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. 
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this 
sensible plan. Most people will ! foolishly stay here in Florida. 

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness 
items: 

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane 
insurance. 
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your 
home meets two basic requirements: 

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and 
(2) It is located in Wisconsin 

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area 
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies 
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they 
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why 
they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll 
have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge 
you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your 
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental 
floss. 

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the 
windows, all the doors, There are several types of shutters, with 
advantages and disadvantages: 

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them 
yourself, they're cheap. 

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you 
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, 
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December. 

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, 
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you 
will have to sell your house to pay for them. 

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane 
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand 
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says 
so. He lives in Nebraska. 

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check 
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio 
furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, 
throw these items 
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you 
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds 
will turn these objects into deadly missiles. 

EVACUATION ROUTE: 

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route 
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look 
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-
lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid 
being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will 
be trapped in a gigantic traffic 
jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand 
other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely. 

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: 

If you don't evacuate! , you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy 
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last 
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious 
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition 
to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when 
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. 

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what 
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) 

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in 
a hurricane, but it looks cool.) 

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask 
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be 
irate alligators.) 

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you 
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. 

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws 
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation 
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain 
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how 
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean. 

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.