[Vintage-race] Fw: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

[John.Desantis at Inficon.com]

The list has been rather quiet for a while and I thought this would 
probably get gums flapping.
Anyone going to the Vintage Trans-Am SCCA weekend at Milville NJ May 
7-9th?

 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE 
SYMPTOM 
CAUSE 
CORRECTIVE ACTION 
Feet cold and wet 
 
Glass Being held at incorrect angle. 
 
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling 
 
Feet warm and wet 
 
Improper Bladder Control 
 
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training 
 
Beer unusually pale and tasteless 
 
a. Glass empty. 
b. You're holding a Coors Lite 
 
Get someone to buy you another beer 
 
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights 
 
You have fallen over backward. 
 
Have yourself leashed to bar 
 
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes 
 
You have fallen forward 
 
See above 
 
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet 
 
a. Mouth not open 
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face 
 

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror 
 
Floor Blurred 
 

You are looking through bottom of empty glass 
 
Get someone to buy you another beer 
 
Floor moving 
 
You are being carried out 
 

Find out if you are being taken to another bar 
 
Room seems unusually dark 
 
Bar has closed 
 
Confirm home address with bartender.  If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to 
go and hit the nearest fire escape door.  Run 
 
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures 
 
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations 
 
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside 
 
Everyone looks up to you and smiles 
 
You are dancing on the table 
 
Fall on someone cushy-looking 
 
Beer is crystal-clear 
 
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up 
 
Punch him 
 
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup 
 
You're in the ladies' room 
 
Do not use urinal!  Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the 
hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) 
 
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear 
 
You have been in a fight 
 
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them 
 
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in 
 
You've wandered into the wrong party 
 
See if they have free beer 
 
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting 
steel door.  Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk 
 
a. You're in jail 
b. You're in the navy 
 
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.  Don't talk to your new 
roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach 
 
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing 
leather chaps 
 
You're in a gay bar 
 
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit.  Do not accept 
offers for backrubs 
 
Your singing sounds distorted 
 
The beer is too weak 
 
Have more beer until your voice improves 
 
Don't remember the words to the song 
 
Beer is just right 
 
Play air guitar