Hi T.J.
Here are two more articles for you to post. The first is a list of films
featuring Alpines with impressions. The second is my first crack at the
Laws of Physics for British Cars. Both are for fun.
I'm really enjoying the mailing list, and all the comments and wild stories.
Keep 'em comming.
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Name: Rex A. Funk
E-mail: rexfunk(at)ni.net
Date: 05/17/95
Time: 22:49:41
This message was sent by Chameleon
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ALPINES ON THE SILVER SCREEN
By Rex Funk
How many car marques can lay claim to starring in two academy award winniing movies as well as launching a highly successful genre of action movies? Sunbeam Alpines have conveyed such superstars as Grace Kelly, Cary Grant, Liz Taylor, Sean Connerey, and Arnold Schwartznager. Hollywood was seldom kind to its Alpine car-stars, however, and they often became fodder for spectacular crash scenes.
To Catch a Thief, 1955. This Alfred Hitchcock suspense yarn featured Cary Grant as an ex jewel thief trying to protect his honor and stay out of jail by catching a thief whose jobs minick his style. Grace Kelly is the American femme fatlae who drives a blue Sunbeam Talbot Alpine fast enough to give Grant sweaty palms. Set in the beautiful French Riviera, the movie won an Academy Award for Cinematography. There are great shots of the car in action, complete with squeeling tires and nice sports-car sounds, and the viewer gets a feel for how these cars could manuver on twisty mountain roads such as found on the Alpine and Monte Carlo Rallys. Kelly and Grant are well matched, and the lively dialog and plot make this an entertaining suspense/mystry tale with a generous dose of romance. The sleek blue Alpine adds a touch of class to the movie, and there are good exterior and interior views of the car, which appears to survive the movie.
Butterfield 8, 1960. Liz Taylor won a "Best Actress" Oscar for her role as a high-priced call girl who is pursued by Lawrence Harvey, a married man. She drives a red Series I high fin Sunbeam Alpine with wire wheels and a hard top. This is a dreary little melodrama that is tedious in most spots. The Alpine meets with a bad end in a chase scene when Taylor runs out of road and plunges off an elevated highway section into a rock quarry. I was saddest about the car. Taylor's character is forgettable, and it is said that she was a sentimental favorite for the Oscar that year, having narrowly missed in previous years.
Doctor No, 1963. This is the first James Bond movie featuring Sean Connery. As a kickoff to the very successful series of 007 movies, it's a little rough in spots. Connery is mounted in a Series II "high fin" Alpine for his debut as Bond. There is a chase scene on a winding dirt road in Jamaica followed by the crash of the Alpine. . . off a cliff. Hollywood sure likes to trash these cars. Jack Lord and Ursula Andress round out the cast, and Connery even has a brief, but embarrasing, vocal number.
Commando, 1986. Arnold Schwartzenegger and Raye Dawn Chong star in this adventure flick in which Arnold's 11 year-old movie daughter is kidnapped by a South American Dictator. Arnold's character, John Matrix (sounds like a good Austrian name), goes on a violent murder and mayhem spree to get her back, and one of the casulties is Chong's Series V Alpine. Arnie rips the seat out and runs the car into a tree (at least it's not off a cliff- - - we're making progress). Chong, of course, forgives him for trashing her car, and joins him in getting his little girl back. There must be over 100 bad guys who bite the dust in this flick, and we learn that you don't mess around with the likes of a one man army like John Matrix - - Boy Howdy!
Laws of Physics for British Cars
by Rex Funk*
Sir Isaac Newton, an Englishman famed for his discovery of the Law of Gravity, has a branch of Physics named for him. The real breakthrough in physics in the 20th century has been the development of Quantum Physics. Often startling and unconventional, the laws of Quantum Physics explain heretofore little understood phenomena. Yet no one has fully explained the perplexing contrivance of Newtons countrymen: the British car. Indeed these cars, which we know and love, defy all known laws of physics. In an effort to bring some clarity to the conundrum of the British Car, I offer this treatise in hopes that it will account for some of the idiosyncrasies of these venerable but unpredictable vehicles. This seminal dissertation will no doubt be widely, if not soberly, debated. While I support the prerogative of the reader to question my conclusions, I challenge skeptics among you to propose equally plausible, lucid and concise explanations for the phenomena in question.
1. Law of Accelerated Entropy: Entropy in British cars proceeds at twice the rate of that of normal electro/mechanical devices. Entropy is the propensity of matter to break down to its simplest form (ultimately the hydrogen atom). This previously unknown law has been deduced through observation, and is supported by the now famous Lucas Corollary to Murphys Law.
2. Law of Inverse Practicality: The most desirable British cars are the least practical to own and operate. This is also known as the Law of Sadomasochistic Attraction.
3. Law of momentum and Inertia: Most simply stated this law is British cars are hard to start, but once you get them going there is no stopping them. Also know as Girlings Law, this explains why most older British sports cars which still run, need bodywork on their front wings, bonnets and/or front aprons.
4. Law of Inverse Complexity: Mechanical devices on British cars have twice as many parts as those on other cars. In Social Science literature this is referred to as the British Labour Party Law of Job Security and Feather-bedding.
5. Law of Obscure and Obtuse Nomenclature: The names given to parts of British cars have no rational explanation outside of certain esoteric circles. Cases in point: a Hood is a convertible top, the Bonnet is the hood over the engine, the Boot is the trunk, and a King Dick Spanner is an adjustable wrench. Recent research has confirmed that these arcane terms were coined by early British auto makers as an inside joke while in an ale-induced stupor during nightly visits to the Lucas Pub and Electrical Works in Coventry. The same beverage was consumed in quantity by writers of technical and shop manuals with similar unfathomable results.
6. Law of Agricultural Lineage: With notable exceptions, stock British car engines look and sound like tractor engines, from whence many of their original designs came. If it could plow a field, it could power an auto.
7. Cultural Phylogenetic Law of Electrical Systems: British car electrical systems recapitulate British society in that their designs are rooted in tradition, but their components often go on strike, fail to work together, and are filled with caustic and incompatible constituents. These social conditions are exacerbated by the fact that much of the populace own Lucas refrigerators, and are forced to drink warm beer.
8. Law of Inscrutable Variables: Also known as the Stealth Corollary to Murphys Law, this law states that anything that can go wrong will be well hidden until it does, and will often defy diagnosis. This explains why British cars are chock full of so many delightful surprises and enigmas.
9. Law of Cyclic Effort in Restoration: Similar to the example of the process of painting the Golden Gate Bridge, this law states that as soon as one need or problem is solved, another will pop up to take its place. Thus a British car restoration is never completed, but always in progress.
* With tongue in cheek, and appologies to my friends across the pond.
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