Laws of Physics for British Cars
by Rex Funk*
Sir Isaac Newton, an Englishman famed for his discovery of the Law of
Gravity, has a branch of Physics named for him. The real breakthrough in
physics in the 20th century has been the development of Quantum Physics.
Often startling and unconventional, the laws of Quantum Physics explain
heretofore little understood phenomena. Yet no one has fully explained the
perplexing contrivance of Newtons countrymen: the British car. Indeed
these cars, which we know and love, defy all known laws of physics. In an
effort to bring some clarity to the conundrum of the British Car, I offer
this treatise in hopes that it will account for some of the idiosyncrasies
of these venerable but unpredictable vehicles. This seminal dissertation
will no doubt be widely, if not soberly, debated. While I support the
prerogative of the reader to question my conclusions, I challenge skeptics
among you to propose equally plausible, lucid and concise explanations for
the phenomena in question.
1. Law of Accelerated Entropy: Entropy in British cars proceeds at twice
the rate of that of normal electro/mechanical devices. Entropy is the
propensity of matter to break down to its simplest form (ultimately the
hydrogen atom). This previously unknown law has been deduced through
observation, and is supported by the now famous Lucas Corollary to
Murphy's Law.
2. Law of Inverse Practicality: The most desirable British cars are the
least practical to own and operate. This is also known as the Law of
Sadomasochistic Attraction.
3. Law of momentum and Inertia: Most simply stated this law is British
cars are hard to start, but once you get them going there is no stopping
them. Also know as Girling's Law, this explains why most older British
sports cars which still run, need bodywork on their front wings, bonnets
and/or front aprons.
4. Law of Inverse Complexity: Mechanical devices on British cars have
twice as many parts as those on other cars. In Social Science literature
this is referred to as the British Labour Party Law of Job Security and
Feather-bedding.
5. Law of Obscure and Obtuse Nomenclature: The names given to parts of
British cars have no rational explanation outside of certain esoteric
circles. Cases in point: a Hood is a convertible top, the Bonnet is the
hood over the engine, the Boot is the trunk, and a King Dick Spanner is an
adjustable wrench. Recent research has confirmed that these arcane terms
were coined by early British auto makers as an inside joke while in an
ale-induced stupor during nightly visits to the Lucas Pub and Electrical
Works in Coventry. The same beverage was consumed in quantity by writers
of technical and shop manuals with similar unfathomable results.
6. Law of Agricultural Lineage: With notable exceptions, stock British
car engines look and sound like tractor engines, from whence many of their
original designs came. If it could plow a field, it could power an auto.
7. Cultural Phylogenetic Law of Electrical Systems: British car
electrical systems recapitulate British society in that their designs are
rooted in tradition, but their components often go on strike, fail to work
together, and are filled with caustic and incompatible constituents.
These social conditions are exacerbated by the fact that much of the
populace own Lucas refrigerators, and are forced to drink warm beer.
8. Law of Inscrutable Variables: Also known as the Stealth Corollary to
Murphy's Law, this law states that anything that can go wrong will be
well hidden until it does, and will often defy diagnosis. This explains
why British cars are chock full of so many delightful surprises and
enigmas.
9. Law of Cyclic Effort in Restoration: Similar to the example of the
process of painting the Golden Gate Bridge, this law states that as soon
as one need or problem is solved, another will pop up to take its place.
Thus a British car restoration is never completed, but always in progress.
* With tongue in cheek, and apologies to my friends across the pond.
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