This came floating thru today and I thought it might brighten a wet
Monday morning. Apologies to those who have read it already and of
course to Mr. Atherton.
Have a nice day - Tony
Subject: Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. -- Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corporation announced today
it will be acquiring the Federal Government of the United States of
America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of
our growth," said Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill Gates. "It's a
positive arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing at the Oval Office with US
President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes to
US Government policy will be "minimal." The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corp. An initial
public offering is planned for July 4 of next year, and the Federal
Government is expected to be profitable by 1999, according to Microsoft
president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, President Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as vice president
of USA Operations with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United
States government, reporting directly to Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill
Gates.
When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority,
Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that
Gates has a "proven track record," and that US citizens should offer
Gates their "full support and confidence."
In his new role at Microsoft, Clinton will reportedly be earning several
times the $200,000 annually he currently earns as US president. Gates
dismissed a rumor that the US Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly,"
though he did say he would make executive decisions for the US
government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates did say, however, that the US House and Senate would "of course"
be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," Gates said, "yet look how
well we're doing." When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of
Canada was proceeding, Gates would only say that Microsoft doesn't
comment on unannounced products.
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services, discounts on all Microsoft products, and the
immediate arrest of all executive officials of Sun Microsystems Inc.
and Netscape Corp.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of
personal computing and mostly free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1776, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, DC, the
United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks
of Microsoft Corporation.
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