I got this off another list, and thought you'd all enjoy it!
Mark Clark wrote:
>
> I was on my way down to the local
> bookstore to buy my copy of Classic & Sportscar, and as I kissed my
> wife good-bye before hopping in my TR-4, she said "Have a nice trip to
> get your car porn, love." When I asked her to explain, she pointed out
> how I was going to buy a magazine filled with glossy color photos of
> good-looking things I couldn't have and could only fantasize about
> because they were too expensive. Sounded like pornography to her, and
> when I gave it a moment's thought, I realized she was right - I was
> going out to buy car
> porn.
>
< Once convinced of the
> basic validity of the metaphor, I started to think about how one could
> classify the various classic car magazines on the market by comparing
> them to various pornographic magazines. It's easier than you might
> think. First off, Classic & Sports Car and Thoroughbred & Classic are
> clearly the Playboy and Penthouse of the classic car world. They have
> pictures of all sorts of cars, as long as they are sporty and fairly
> expensive. They also pretty much only have pictures that one might
> term "soft core" car porn - the cars have all their paint on, they look
> nice and are polished, and you don't see them taken apart or, heaven
> forbid, having big rust holes repaired. They are also the largest and
> the most mass market, going for a wide audience, and they have lots of
> words in them, not just
> pictures.
>
> Practical Classics, on
> the other hand, is clearly the Hustler of the classic car porn world.
> The cars are not as fancy and stylish as in the previous two magazines,
> but they are more approachable - it's easier to imagine you might
> actually date ..., oh, I mean buy one of them. Practical Classic is
> also more hard core - you get to see what is under the hood while the
> man with the spanner tightens a few things up - very intimate. Lot of
> pictures, not as many
> words.
>
> For American readers,
> British Car magazine is an oddity of car porn - sort of like a
> combination of Big Hooters with the Journal of Gynecology. Any kind of
> picture of a car will do, as long as its British, just like Big Hooters
> will carry any sort of picture, as long as it involves, well, big
> hooters. But British Car has all that detailed advice stuff as well,
> very clinical - I guess they want to appeal to every American no matter
> how weird their tastes in car porn
> are.
>
> As for the various
> single marque magazines, like Jaguar World or The Triumph Register,
> they are just like the sort of very specialized magazines found only
> behind the counter in plain wrappers, something like Blonde Teens Who
> Like Riding Horses In The Nude Covered With Chocolate Sauce. For these
> car porn devotees, only one specific kind of porn will do, only
> pictures of one specific kind of car will get them off ..... the couch
> to polish something in the
> garage.
>
> As for club
> newsletters, well that's just plain dirty, exactly like the stuff
> collected by local groups of perverts who pass around the latest child
> pornography. Crudely printed, amateur layout, but for the faithful the
> thing they must have so that they and their fellow perv ... enthusiasts
> can get together and compare what it is they have in their
> driveways.
>
> So what sort of car
> porn consumer am I? Well, I must confess that I am an addict - I read
> all kinds, and I just can't get enough. Good thing my wife is so
> understanding, not to mention my
> TR-4....
>
> Mark "Is that an alternator in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Clark
>
>
>
> Dr. Mark Clark
>
> Oregon Institute of Technology
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b30 : Tue Sep 05 2000 - 10:28:05 CDT