Laws of Physics for British Cars

by Rex Funk*

Sir Isaac Newton, an Englishman famed for his discovery of the Law of Gravity, has a branch of Physics named for him. The real breakthrough in physics in the 20th century has been the development of Quantum Physics. Often startling and unconventional, the laws of Quantum Physics explain heretofore little understood phenomena. Yet no one has fully explained the perplexing contrivance of Newton’s countrymen: the British car. Indeed these cars, which we know and love, defy all known laws of physics. In an effort to bring some clarity to the conundrum of the British Car, I offer this treatise in hopes that it will account for some of the idiosyncrasies of these venerable but unpredictable vehicles. This seminal dissertation will no doubt be widely, if not soberly, debated. While I support the prerogative of the reader to question my conclusions, I challenge skeptics among you to propose equally plausible, lucid and concise explanations for the phenomena in question.

1. Law of Accelerated Entropy
Entropy in British cars proceeds at twice the rate of that of normal electro/mechanical devices. Entropy is the propensity of matter to break down to its simplest form (ultimately the hydrogen atom). This previously unknown law has been deduced through observation, and is supported by the now famous Lucas Corollary to Murphy's Law.

2. Law of Inverse Practicality
The most desirable British cars are the least practical to own and operate. This is also known as the Law of Sadomasochistic Attraction.

3. Law of Momentum and Inertia
Most simply stated this law is British cars are hard to start, but once you get them going there is no stopping them. Also know as Girling's Law, this explains why most older British sports cars which still run, need bodywork on their front wings, bonnets and/or front aprons.

4. Law of Inverse Complexity
Mechanical devices on British cars have twice as many parts as those on other cars. In Social Science literature this is referred to as the British Labour Party Law of Job Security and Feather-bedding.

5. Law of Obscure and Obtuse Nomenclature
The names given to parts of British cars have no rational explanation outside of certain esoteric circles. Cases in point: a Hood is a convertible top, the Bonnet is the hood over the engine, the Boot is the trunk, and a King Dick Spanner is an adjustable wrench. Recent research has confirmed that these arcane terms were coined by early British auto makers as an inside joke while in an ale-induced stupor during nightly visits to the Lucas Pub and Electrical Works in Coventry. The same beverage was consumed in quantity by writers of technical and shop manuals with similar unfathomable results.

6. Law of Agricultural Lineage
With notable exceptions, stock British car engines look and sound like tractor engines, from whence many of their original designs came. If it could plow a field, it could power an auto.

7. Cultural Phylogenetic Law of Electrical Systems
British car electrical systems recapitulate British society in that their designs are rooted in tradition, but their components often go on strike, fail to work together, and are filled with caustic and incompatible constituents. These social conditions are exacerbated by the fact that much of the populace own Lucas refrigerators, and are forced to drink warm beer.

8. Law of Inscrutable Variables
Also known as the Stealth Corollary to Murphy's Law, this law states that anything that can go wrong will be well hidden until it does, and will often defy diagnosis. This explains why British cars are chock full of so many delightful surprises and enigmas.

9. Law of Cyclic Effort in Restoration
Similar to the example of the process of painting the Golden Gate Bridge, this law states that as soon as one need or problem is solved, another will pop up to take its place. Thus a British car restoration is never completed, but always in progress.

* With tongue in cheek, and apologies to my friends across the pond.

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