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Enjoy !
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From: EClancy3@aol.com
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Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 06:36:35 EDT
Subject: Joke of the Day
To: EClancy3@aol.com
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YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF...
- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
- You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check =
out=20
cars (seats).
- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.
- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing =
depth=20
(wear bars showing).
- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you =
just=20
saved.
- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the =
track'.
- You change engine oil every other week.
- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on =
the=20
throttle right after turning in.
- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around =
a=20
highway off-ramp.
- Your racing budget is one of the big three -- mortgage, car=20
payments/maintenance, dating.
- Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
- You walk proper lines through the grocery store.
- You've been known to yell "It means 'check your mirrors' dammit!" at =
your=20
television.
- You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.
- You bought a race car before buying a house.
- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage =
and=20
the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on =
the=20
street or in the front yard.
- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of=20
importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a=20
28'enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the =
property =20
somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome.
- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race =
tires=20
that could have been purchased.
- You know well that Orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets =
of=20
tires
- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and =
shift=20
and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back =
from=20
the machine shop.
- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.
- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new =
mink."
- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
- You have enough spare parts to build another car.
- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you =
by=20
name when you call.
- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, =
start=20
your engines!"
- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on=20
weekends.
- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.
- Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1's and Pauter =
rods=20
(and your 'significant other' knows what these are).
- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question =
is=20
always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"
- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.
- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and =
racing=20
supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book =
Carroll=20
Smith has ever written.... and 400 car magazines, none of which have=20
centerfolds.
- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.
- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud =
at=20
ButtonWillow last weekend!"
- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturers =
name.
- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair=20
skills. Air tools optional.
- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.
- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".
- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar =
every=20
other week or so.
- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, =
but=20
can't remember your phone number.
- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some =
time=20
with you.
- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay =
on=20
the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic =
or=20
organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
- You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best=20
hardware store.
- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.
- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.
- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars =
coming=20
out.
- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.
- You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your =
passenger=20
gives you a real funny look.
- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are =
the=20
best.
- You can't stand understeer.
- You always want to change something in your street car to make it =
handle=20
better.
- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
- You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to =
the=20
race track.
- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
- You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to =
fix=20
the air filter on her station wagon.
- You save broken car parts as "mementos".
- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as =
you=20
apexed the on-ramps perfectly....
- You've found your lawn mower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but=20
doesn't particularly care for alcohol).
- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car =
you=20
have been within 50 yards of...
- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under =
his=20
breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping.
- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car =
taped=20
to their dashboard.
- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tip every day than you do=20
bathing.
- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
- You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option.
- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the =
emergency=20
brake to kick the back end out.
- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev =
limiter=20
"a fun limiter"
- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios =
and=20
the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.
- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math=20
Handbook"
- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
- You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower =
and=20
want to improve them.
- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting =
on=20
wearing your full face helmet while driving.
- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, =
including=20
your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.
- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a =
little=20
too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.
- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.
- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time =
in=20
the rearview afterwards.
- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she=20
answers: "Why... is there a race there?"
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