>For anyone else who has ever tried to use a Haynes Manual to
>deconstruct
>their car...
>
>____
>
>Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
>Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
>anticlockwise.
>
>Haynes: This is a snug fit.
>Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
>
>Haynes: This is a tight fit.
>Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
>
>Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
>Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you
>start, now you
>are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
>
>Haynes: Pry...
>Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
>
>Haynes: Undo...
>Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
>
>Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
>Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
>
>Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
>Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some
>good pliers to
>dig out the bayonet part.
>
>Haynes: Lightly...
>Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on
>your forehead
>are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be
>'lightly'
>what you are doing now.
>
>Haynes: Weekly checks...
>Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
>
>Haynes: Routine maintenance...
>Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
>
>Haynes: One spanner rating.
>Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage
>to botch it up?
>
>Haynes: Two spanner rating.
>Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because
>two is a low,
>tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
>was a map of
>the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
>
>Haynes: Three spanner rating.
>Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right?
>So you think
>three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.
>
>Haynes: Four spanner rating.
>Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you plebe!
>
>Haynes: Five spanner rating.
>Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
>
>Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
>Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
>
>Haynes: Compress...
>Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on,
>swear at,
>throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of
>the garage for
>whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
>
>Haynes: Inspect...
>Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what
>you are looking
>at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
>I thought,
>it's going to need a new one"!
>
>Haynes: Carefully...
>Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
>
>Haynes: Retaining nut...
>Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>
>Haynes: Get an assistant...
>Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone
>you know.
>
>Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
>Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be
>much harder.
>Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
>you can start to
>feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
>
>Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
>Translation: But you swear in different places.
>
>Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
>Translation: Snap off...
>
>Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
>Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
>
>Haynes: Everyday toolkit
>Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
>
>Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
>Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't
>moderate heat.
>
>Haynes: Index
>Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing
>you want to
>do!
>
>For Added Haynes Fun:
>Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about
>Hydrofluoric
>Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of
>understatement???!!?
>
>Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you
>look at these
>two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in
>"mine will never
>look like that..."
>
>Flick to the end and look at the colour spark plug pictures,
>how do these
>compare to the spark plugs in your MX5? If you cannot locate
>the spark plugs
>in your MX5 see the final translation above!
>
>NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist
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