Subject: Fw: Fw: Urgent Message from the North Pole....
>
>
> >Urgent Message from the North Pole....
> >
> >I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
> >longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
> >Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
> >was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
> >
> >I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin and
> >Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer
> >breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
> >
> >However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
> >your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
> >
> >His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal
> >of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a
> >
> >few differences between us.
> >Differences such as:
> >
> >1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
> >Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
> >reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
> >
> >2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
> >leave a Michelob and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And
> >Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
> >have an empty spit can handy.
> >
> >3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
> >instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
> >reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
> >
> >4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when
> >Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
> >Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
> >
> >5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
> >likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
> >
> >6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
> >a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
> >The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as
> >well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the
> >letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee
> >on the Tooth Fairy.
> >
> >7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
> >and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
> >viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and Smokey
> >and
> >the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
> >state patrols cars crashing into each other.
> >
> >8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
> >the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
> >presents under the tree.
> >
> >9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as "Rudolph the Red-Nosed
> >Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" will no
> >longer be sung about me. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be
> >played on all AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will
> >be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd
> >Over by a Reindeer."
> >
> >Sincerely yours,
> >
> >Santa Claus
> >(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 29)
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