All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
> "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> ****** On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
> crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
> altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
> comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> ****** On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
> something we'd like to have."
>
> ****** "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
> four ways out of this airplane."
>
> ****** "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
> enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
> ride."
>
> ****** As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
> National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
> WHOA!"
>
> ****** After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
> take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
> ****** From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
> Flight 261 to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
> into the buckle, and pull it tight. It works just like every other seat
> belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
> be out in public unsupervised."
>
> ****** In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
> descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
> over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
> your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
> than one small child, pick your favorite.
>
> ****** Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
> but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
> remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> ****** "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
> of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
> our compliments."
>
> ****** "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
> overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
> assisting children...or other adults acting like children."
>
> ****** "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
> flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> ****** And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
> ****** Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
> Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
> "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
> tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
> wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
>
> ****** Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
> a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
> Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
> the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
> Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
> Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> ****** Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
> landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
> us to the terminal."
>
> ****** An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
> hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
> which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
> Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United."
> He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
> the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
> comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
> walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
> "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
> said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
>
> ****** After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
> Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
> seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
> screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
> and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
> your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
> ****** Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
> thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
> the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
> tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
> ****** A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
> to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
> is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
> Now sit back, relax. and..... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a
> few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
> gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was
> talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
> hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
> passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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