I got this on another list and thought you might enjoy it. I can sure
relate.
Ken
>
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> anticlockwise.
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
>
> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
>
> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
> now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
>
> Haynes: Pry...
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
>
> Haynes: Undo...
> Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
>
> Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
> Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
>
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
> dig out the bayonet part.
> Haynes: Lightly...
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
> forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be
> 'lightly' what you are doing now.
> Haynes: Weekly checks...
> Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
>
> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
>
> Haynes: One spanner rating.
> Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it
> up?
> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
> tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map
of
> the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
> Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you
> think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
> spanner job.
>
> Haynes: Four spanner rating.
> Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you plebe!
> Haynes: Five spanner rating.
> Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
>
> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Haynes: Compress...
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
> throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
> whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
> Haynes: Inspect...
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
> looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
> thought, it's going to need a new one"!
> Haynes: Carefully...
> Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
>
> Haynes: Retaining nut...
> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>
> Haynes: Get an assistant...
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
> know.
>
> Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
> Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
> harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
> you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
plugs.
> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> Translation: But you swear in different places.
>
> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> Translation: Snap off...
>
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
>
> Haynes: Everyday toolkit
> Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
>
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
> heat.
>
> Haynes: Index
> Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want
> to do!
>
> For Added Haynes Fun:
> Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric
> Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of
> understatement???!!?
> Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at
> these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will
> never look like that..."
> Flick to the end and look at the colour glow plug pictures, how do these
> compare to the glow plugs in your Mini? If you cannot locate the glow
plugs
> in your Mini see the last translation on the list!
> NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist
>
> This communication contains information which is confidential, and is for
> the exclusive use of the addressee(s). If you are not a named addressee
> please contact the sender immediately, and also delete the communication
> from your system.
> Any views or opinions presented are solely those of the author and do not
> necessarily represent those of Siemens plc unless otherwise specifically
> stated.
///
/// mgs@autox.team.net mailing list
/// (If they are dupes, this trailer may also catch them.)
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