Back in my Navy days, we used to LOVE the monthly message which came
from the Navy Safety Center about the unusual mishaps which had been
reported over the last month. Any old-timers will remember how they
used to start: "Recently on a ship of this force..."
By the mid-90's, the Commander began injecting a bit of humor into the
report (I guess the absolutely unbelievable events covered in the
message weren't enough.) This has now become a new tradition. The
closest TV has come is "Talk Soup".
Anyway, now that I'm no longer in the Navy, I miss these things. A
friend copied the SAAB list on the latest message and I thought I'd
share it with the group. Remember: this is an actual message.... and
this stuff really happened!:
Bill Elliott
Lake Barrington, IL
ROUTINE
R 121141Z JUL 00 ZEL PSN 504295J25
FM COMNAVSAFECEN NORFOLK VA//00//
TO ALSAFE
UNCLAS //N05100//
ALSAFE 021/00
MSGID/GENADMIN/COMNAVSAFECEN/008-021/JUL//
SUBJ/SUMMARY OF MISHAPS//
RMKS/1. DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I GOT A CALL FROM AN
OFFICIAL ARM OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT ASKING IF WE HAD ANY
PARTS FROM CRASHED FLYING SAUCERS STORED AT THE CENTER?
IF I'M LYIN' I'M DYIN'.
THIS ALL HAPPENED IN THE DAYS BEFORE THE BUDGET SURPLUS, WHEN
CONGRESS DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO DO AND SOME STAFFER WANTED US TO FESS
UP TO THE FACT WE WERE HIDING BROKEN PIECES OF INTER-GALACTIC FLYING
MACHINES HERE. I TOLD HIM, "NOT MY PART OF SHIP. FLYING SAUCER
SAFETY IS AN AIR FORCE PROGRAM; WHOLLY UNDER THEIR COG AND EVERY
TIME WE FIND ONE OF THOSE THINGS, THEY COME AND TAKE IT AWAY."
HE NEVER SHOWED.
BUT I WAS READY FOR HIM HAD HE DONE SO. I HAD A HASP, A BIG
PADLOCK, AND A SIGN READY TO ATTACH TO THE DOOR ON THE GENTLEMAN'S
LATRINE THAT READ, "X-FILES! KEEP OUT! AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY!"
NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE NO PHYSICAL EVIDENCE
OF EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T BELIEVE THEY'RE HERE;
CAUSE I KNOW THEY ARE. I GET REPORTS OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE
FOURTH KIND EVERY DAY. YOU KNOW ... THAT'S WHERE THEY NOT ONLY TAKE
YOU ON BOARD, BUT DRILL HOLES IN YOUR SKULL AND POUR YOUR BRAINS
INTO A BEAKER BEFORE THEY SEND YOU BACK.
HOW ELSE MIGHT ONE EXPLAIN:
A. THE LANCE CORPORAL WHO, WHILE FIGHTING BACK AGAINST THE
DREADED SCOURGE OF FLYAWAY HAIR, TRIED BURNING THOSE OBSTINATE
LITTLE CRITTERS AWAY WITH A CIGARETTE LIGHTER. IT WORKED PRETTY GOOD
TOO, UNTIL HER HAIRSPRAY BURST INTO FLAME AND LEFT HER WITH SECOND
DEGREE BURNS ON HER HEAD AND NECK.
SORT OF REMINDS ME OF A GUY I USED TO WORK FOR. EXCEPT HE
USUALLY DIDN'T REQUIRE SO COMPLEX AN IGNITION SOURCE. HIS HAIR WOULD
COMBUST MORE OR LESS SPONTANEOUSLY.
B. THEN THERE'S THIS STORY OF THE EL TEE WHO REFUSED TO BE
BOTHERED WITH THE "RULES" AS THEY WERE CLEARLY THE PROVINCE OF
LESSER BEINGS. THUS, WHEN THE COD CREWMEN ASKED HIM TO HAND OVER HIS
CARRY-ON BAG THAT THEY MIGHT STOW IT SAFELY AWAY FOR THE CAT SHOT,
HE REFUSED; VOWING TO HOLD IT TIGHTLY IN HIS LAP.
NEVER A GOOD IDEA - ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE SITTING BACKWARDS IN
THE LAST ROW, STARING A NON-SKID-COATED CARGO RAMP IN THE FACE.
SO IT WAS THAT, WHEN THE AIRPLANE LAUNCHED WITH A JOLT, THE LT
WAS DELIVERED OF AN INSIGHT OF NEWTONIAN PROPORTIONS: GRAVITY IS A
RIGHT POWERFUL FORCE. ONE THAT'S FLAT-NEAR IRRESISTIBLE AFTER IT'S
BEEN MULTIPLIED SEVERAL TIMES BY THE COMBINED EFFORT OF THE COD'S
ELEVEN THOUSAND SHAFT HORSEPOWER AND A MAJOR SQUIRT OF STEAM FROM
CAT FOUR.
PREDICTABLY, THE GREYHOUND AND EVERYTHING IN IT: ITS CREW, ITS
PASSENGERS, ITS MAIL, AND ITS CARGO, SHOT DOWN THE TRACK IN UNISON.
EVERYTHING, THAT IS, EXCEPT THE LIEUTENANT'S DITTY BAG WHICH, HAVING
BEEN TORN FROM HIS GRASP BY THE G FORCES OF THE CAT SHOT, BECAME
INDEPENDENT OF ITS SURROUNDINGS AND LAGGED BEHIND A BIT UNTIL IT
SNAGGED ON THE LOCKING LEVER OF THE KID'S SEAT BELT, POPPED IT OPEN,
AND SET HIM FREE!
THE LT, GETTING SOME ALTOGETHER UNEXPECTED FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE
WITH ANOTHER ONE OF NEWTON'S "RULES", BOUNCED OFF THE RAMP,
RICOCHETED INTO THE OVERHEAD AND, WHEN THE REST OF THE AIRCRAFT
FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH HIM, FOUND HIMSELF WEDGED INTO A SMALL CORNER
OF THE TAIL CONE. NO WORD YET AS TO THE FATE OF THE BAG.
C. FUNNY THING ABOUT THIS NEWTON DUDE AND THE LAWS HE WROTE:
THEY APPLY ASHORE AS WELL AS AT SEA; TO WOMEN AS WELL AS TO MEN; IN
AUTOMOBILES AS WELL AS IN AIRPLANES.
THAT LESSON WAS BROUGHT HOME TO AN AIRMAN WHO, WHILE FROLICKING
IN THE PARKING LOT OF A LOCAL HOTEL, TRIED TO PREVENT ONE OF HER
CHUMS FROM DRIVING AWAY BY PLAYFULLY JUMPING ONTO THE HOOD OF HIS
SLOW-MOVING CAR. STARTLED, THE DRIVER SLAMMED ON THE BRAKES.
CAR STOP. WOMAN NOT STOP. IT'S THE LAW.
SO, INSTEAD OF SITTING THERE IN A POSE OF STATELY RIGIDITY LIKE
THE HOOD ORNAMENT OF A '48 PACKARD, SHE PITCHED FORWARD OFF THE
SATURN, SMASHED FACE-FIRST INTO THE PAVEMENT, BROKE HER SINUSES AND
FRACTURED HER SKULL.
CLEARLY FRUSTRATED, THE AUTHOR OF THE REPORT POINTED WITH PRIDE
TO THE EFFORT HIS SHIP HAD MADE AT BRIEFING THE ENTIRE CREW ON THE
NEED FOR PERSONAL RISK MANAGEMENT WHEN THEY RETURNED FROM CRUISE. HE
BEWAILED THE FLAGRANT VIOLATION OF COMMON SENSE THIS THOUGHTLESS ACT
REPRESENTED, BUT FAILED TO LIST AN ALIEN ENCOUNTER AS A CAUSAL
FACTOR IN THIS MISHAP - WHICH, OF COURSE, WOULD HAVE EXPLAINED
EVERYTHING.
D. MOVING ON ...
THE CREW OF THE SUBMARINE ACCEPTED WITH ENTHUSIASM THE CAPTAIN'S
CHALLENGE TO MAKE THE BOAT SHINE INSIDE AND OUT. THERE DEVELOPED
SOMETHING OF A COMPETITIVE SPIRIT AMONGST THE DIVISIONS;
ONE-UPSMANSHIP BECAME THE ORDER OF THE DAY AS EACH DEPARTMENT SOUGHT
TO OUT DO THE OTHERS.
SO IT WAS THAT A SECOND CLASS PETTY OFFICER FOUND HIMSELF
HUNKERED DOWN IN A VERY TIGHT SPACE NEAR THE PORT SIDE OF THE SHAFT
ADJACENT TO THE ELLIPTICAL BULKHEAD, SCRUBBING AWAY AT DIRT AND
GRIME THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD BEEN LAID DOWN ALONG WITH THE KEEL.
AFTER WATCHING THIS YOUNGSTER CONTORT HIMSELF INTO THAT TINY
LITTLE SPACE BY TWISTING AND SQUEEZING PAST THE RUDDER RAM, THE COB
SAW HE WAS WORKING WELL AND PAYING DUE REGARD TO THE ROTATING SHAFT,
SO HE MOVED ON TO OTHER THINGS.
NOT LONG AFTERWARD, THE SECOND CLASS FINISHED HIS WORK, GRABBED
HIS CLEANING GEAR, AND BEGAN TO WIGGLE HIS WAY OUT OF THE CONFINES
OF THIS MICRO-SPACE. TO GET OUT OF THERE HE HAD TO STICK HIS LEGS
OUT THROUGH A BULKHEAD, TWIST HIS TORSO TO ALIGN IT WITH THE
OPENING, THEN PULL HIMSELF UNDER THE RUDDER RAM TO FREEDOM.
HE WAS HALF WAY THERE WHEN SOMEONE ORDERED, "RIGHT TEN DEGREES
RUDDER" AND ONLY GOT NINE AND A HALF.
AFTER ONE OF HIS PALS HEARD HIM SCREAMING AND GOT THE OOD TO PUT
THE RUDDER AMIDSHIPS, THE PETTY OFFICER DRAGGED HIMSELF UP ONTO THE
SHAFT SEAL HOUSING WHERE HE LAY UNTIL HIS SHIPMATES EXTRACTED HIM,
PUT HIM ON A STRETCHER AND LAID HIM OUT IN THE WARDROOM. HE WAS
MEDEVAC'D THE NEXT DAY.
E. BACK IN THE LAND OF THE BIG PX, IT'S SUMMERTIME AND THE
HOT-WEATHER CRAZIES HAVE STARTED TO AFFECT SAILORS AND MARINES
EVERYWHERE.
-- A THIRD CLASS PETTY OFFICER MAY LOSE AN EYE AFTER THE WATER
SKIER HE WAS TOWING DROPPED THE TOWROPE. IT SNAPPED BACK INTO THE
BOAT AND THE HANDLE HIT THE THIRD CLASS IN THE FACE LIKE A GUNSHOT.
PLASTIC SURGEONS HAVE MANAGED TO RECONSTRUCT THE DAMAGED AREA
AROUND HIS EYE, BUT WHETHER HE'LL EVER SEE OUT OF IT AGAIN IS STILL
A QUESTION.
-- ANOTHER TOWROPE STORY? SURE, WHY NOT. IT SEEMS THIS MARINE
MANAGED TO RUN OUT OF GAS ON HIS MOTORCYCLE AND WAS WEARILY PUSHING
IT ALONGSIDE THE ROAD WHEN A GOOD SAMARITAN HAPPENED BY WITH AN
OFFER OF HELP.
ALL THE MARINE REALLY WANTED WAS A LIFT TO THE NEAREST BANK
WHERE HE COULD NEGOTIATE AN EQUITY LOAN ON HIS HOUSE IN ORDER TO BUY
A COUPLE GALLONS OF GAS. BUT HIS NEW BEST FRIEND WOULDN'T HEAR OF
IT.
"HERE," SAYS HE, "TIE THIS ROPE TO THEM HANDLE BARS. I'LL HOOK
THE OTHER END TO THE TRAILER HITCH ON MY PICK-UP AND TOW YOU THERE".
WARILY AND WITH NO SMALL AMOUNT OF TREPIDATION, THE CORPORAL DID
WHAT HE WAS TOLD.
OFF THEY WENT. TWENTY MILES AN HOUR ... THIRTY ... FORTY ...
FORTY-FIVE!
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" THOUGHT OUR MARINE AS HE FUMBLED FRANTICALLY
WITH THE ROPE THEN CAST IT FREE.
FREE, MAYBE. BUT NOT FAR. ONLY FAR ENOUGH FOR IT TO BOUNCE OFF
THE PAVEMENT THEN INTERTWINE ITSELF IN THE SPOKES OF HIS FRONT WHEEL
- - WHICH STOPPED SOON THEREAFTER. OF COURSE, THE REST OF THE BIKE
DIDN'T STOP. THE FORK, THE GAS TANK, THE MOTOR, THE MARINE AND THE
REAR WHEEL KEPT GOING UNTIL THEY WERE ACTED UPON BY AN EQUAL AND
OPPOSITE FORCE WHICH, IN THIS CASE, WAS THE EARTH - INTO WHICH THEY
CRASHED.
BUT AT LEAST THE MARINE WON'T HAVE TO MORTGAGE HIS HOUSE TO BUY
GAS ANYMORE. I MEAN, WHAT WOULD HE PUT IT IN?
2. WELL, THERE'S LOTS MORE TO SHARE, BUT I DO HAVE A REAL JOB AND
THE GUY NEXT DOOR GETS ALL FROWNY IF HE SEES ME HAVING TOO MUCH FUN
WITH THIS STUFF. SO, UNTIL THE NEXT TIME, TAKE GOOD CARE OF ONE
ANOTHER AND WE'LL GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOON. UNTIL THEN...
//
BT
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