Us New Englanders can appreciate the distress of FRANK, as to what is
considered acceptable "heat" in chili.
Texas Chili
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the Tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates
me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
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