Okay, since I've only been on the list a few months, and I'm way too busy
(lazy) to check the archives, I don't know if this has ever been a topic of
contention. Which is better? Duct tape or 100mph tape?
Ryan
>From: Frank Clarici <spritenut@Exit109.com>
>Reply-To: Frank Clarici <spritenut@Exit109.com>
>To: Spridgets <spridgets@autox.team.net>
>Subject: Joke (minor LBC)
>Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2001 19:46:36 -0500
>
> THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
>
> Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need
> it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to
> fix any car, any place, any time.
>
>
> 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
> stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator
> hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one
> easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct
> tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything
> from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the
> yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a
> quarter and a phone booth.
>
> 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
> wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it
> -falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips
> are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up
> beyond repair.
>
> 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new
> doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig
> phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts
> of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an
> integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube
> that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one
> of the ten worst tools of all time.
>
> 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time
> under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the
> peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's
> because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of
> tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty
> tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the
> butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
> bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
> aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel
> Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
>
> 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack
> corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all
> types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer
> that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is
> the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not
> synonymous with the user's maiming.
>
> 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray
> hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a
> slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip
> ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring
> from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something
> remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both>
> ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie
> under the hood.
>
> 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime
> Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying,
> chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a
> huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with
> gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil
> filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a
> stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -
> and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who
> cares? It's guaranteed.
>
> 8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing
> wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct
> tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it
> works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again.
> Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles,
> particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
>
> 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly
> pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but
> how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're
> lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all
> purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge
> flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel
> or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick.
> (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course,
> but does a lousy job of it).
>
> 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
> (See #1 above.)
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