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How to give a cat a pill NO LBC

To: spridgets@autox.team.net
Subject: How to give a cat a pill NO LBC
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2003 11:18:13 EST
Cc: midgetsprite@yahoogroups.com, Tedgar5555@cs.com, LynchCELynch@aol.com, MSuziMcD@aol.com, AaronAMcd@aol.com, MEGHouston@aol.com, Zorawms@aol.com, lwilliams@acaciapark.com
 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
 arm as if holding a baby. Position  right forefinger
 and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
 apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
 hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.   Allow
 cat to close mouth and swallow.
 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
 Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
 arm, holding rear paws tightly with left  hand. Force
 jaws open and push pill to back of  mouth with right
 forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
 of wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.
 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
 knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low  growls
 emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
 one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
 pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
 from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
 curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
 vases from hearth and set to one side for  gluing
 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
 cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
 in end of drinking straw,  force mouth open with
 pencil and blow down drinking straw.
 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
 humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.  Apply
 Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
 carpet with cold water and soap.
 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
 pill. Open another beer. Place cat in  cupboard, and
 close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
 mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
 with elastic band.
 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
 door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch  bottle of
 scotch. Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to
 cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
 Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss
 back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new
 one from bedroom.
 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
 across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
 into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
 from foil wrap.
 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
 with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
 table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
 pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet
 Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
 you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
 stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
 from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
 order new table.
 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
 and call local pet shop to see if they have any

 1. Wrap it in bacon.
 2. Toss it in the air.

Robert Houston
Santa Teresa, NM
'74 Midget
63 TR4
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