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Message from John Cleese - British comedian:
To
the citizens of the United States of America:
In
light of your failure to nominate a competent candidate for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your
new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded.
A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any
of you noticed.
To
aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You
should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
'-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
3.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-
checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter
'u' and the elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
5.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
----------------------
6.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
8.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
-------------------
10.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter
will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is
also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting
Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are
also
part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience
akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour
like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans
and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face
the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
--------------------
14.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God
save the Queen.
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