First- I own a cat. Sort of. I think it is one of those cold war
things- no one is sure who is in charge. I also own a Herald. This
constitutes the requisite LBC content, other than to state the
friend(also a multiple cat owner) who sent the following information
was the one who sold me my Herald, and he has another he is currently
the godfather of.
If you are not a cat person, and are not amused by cat tales(pun
intended) you may ignore the rest of this message, and go on to the
ever hot discussion of point gap vs. plug gap vs. the Gap for new
jeans because you ripped the old ones replacing your Pertronix
ignition, as you had no desire to enter the previous argument unarmed.
Nuff said for the disclaimer, enjoy!
The story so far:
Some cat owners say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away. But the time comes when you have to
look the facts squarely in the face and admit, "This cat smells like a
porta-potty on a hot day in Juarez!"
When that day arrives at your house, I have some advice you might want to
consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the
bathtub.:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength and planning.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a
bathroom with a door. A very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more
than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat
and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply
rubber shower curtain quicker than you can turn around.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,
a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel
when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water.
Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure with
the lid removed. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are
lying on your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.) It
will help if you actually put the dish of cat food in the bathroom for
several days beforehand.
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In
a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water, and
squirt him with the shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
of your life.
-- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more
than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll
then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself
off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect
too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your leg.
-- You simple pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel
and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down
and dry the cat.
-- In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg,
He will usually have nothing to do with you for about three weeks and
will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even
become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
-- You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
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