[This was included in the membership materials I received from the Morris
Minor Registry. Thanks to Berry Kercheval for scanning and OCRing it.
For some reason, this sounds like something Peter Egan would have
written...]
THE LAWS FOR BRITISH SPORTS CARS
By Don Hayward
Distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and
figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws
known to man.
Most of us are familiar with the physical laws thought up by Sir Isaac
Newton, the guy who invented gravity. He said things like "For every
action there is an equal and opposite reaction" and "if you sit under a
tree long enough, an apple will eventually fall on your head provided
you are sitting under an apple tree."
Isaac was considered very intelligent and was eventually responsible
for the invention of calculus, which was a new kind of math for people
who thought math wasn't already hard enough. He is also the reason why,
even today, people who work in apple orchards often wear large,
protective hats.
Newton's Laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed
them. They believed them right up until the time when British sports
cars were invented, when it was suddenly realized that a whole new
bunch of laws were going to be needed.
Many distinguished scientists with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland,
Mowog and Murphy shook the scientific community when they published
their new theory of mechanical behavior called "THE LAWS FOR BRITISH
SPORTS CARS". Many people are not familiar with the five major laws, so
they are listed below with a brief explanation of each.
1. LAW OF PECULIAR RANDOM NOMENCLATURE "The name of a British Sports
Car shall consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters
and numbers chosen in random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name
is wholly devoid of meaning". This law explains why British cars
always have spectacularly bad names like "XKE" or worse yet, "MGBGT".
2. LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS "Any book, manual, pamphlet or text
dealing with the maintenance, repair, or restoration of a British
Sports Car shall be written so that at least every fourth word will be
unknown to the average reader. In the event that any portion of the
text is understandable, the information contained therein shall be
incorrect".
Most people are familiar with this law. Here is an excerpt from page
132 of the MGA shop manual. "Before rebushing the lower trunnion
banjos, you must remove the bonnet fascia and undo the A-arm nut with a
#3 spanner".
All attempts to publish an English language version of this manual have
failed.
3. LOVE OF HARDSHIP LAW "The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks
and/or falls apart, the more endearing it becomes to the owner".
You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half and
have replaced every item on the car at least twice. When the engine is
started it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings
into a blender. But when someone offers to buy it, you are offended
because "It is like part of the family" and besides, "It is so much fun
to drive." British Sports Car owners often stare into space and smile a
lot.
This is referred to as the "Foolish Person Syndrome".
4. LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL ATTRIBUTES "All British Sports Cars, regardless of
condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of
components which is entirely nonfunctional, and cannot be repaired except
on a semi-permanent or semi-functional basis". The famous Lucas Electrics Law.
5. RECENTLY DISCOVERED COMPONENT FAILURE LAW "Any component of a
British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall
function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware of the
component's existence, when it shall Instantly fail".
Case in point, I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. never
knew there was such a thing as a "Gulp Valve" until I saw new ones
offered for sale by Moss Motors. The next day while driving my MGB to
work, the Gulp Valve fell off the engine and was run over by a truck.
I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to
know since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured would buy a
new Gulp Valve and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I
decided to have somebody else install it (see LAW OF CRYPTIC
INSTRUCTIONS, above).
While I'm driving the car over to the local repair establishment,
notice that the MGB is performing just as well as it ever did, and that
the loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its
behavior. I figure this is due to the NON-FUNCTIONAL ATTRIBUTE LAW,
which means that the Gulp Valve probably wasn't gulping anything
anyway, so I decide not to replace it after all.
Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and promptly seized
into a solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of
the LOVE OF HARDSHIP LAW, offered to take the car off my hands for
$100.00. I just smiled.
PRINTED COURTESY OF THE MORRIS MINOR REGISTRY
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